Susan and I have both been attempting, since Spring, to get ourselves into a steady exercise routine. We both have not been all that successful in said endeavor. The spirit is willing (most days) but the flesh is weak (nearly everyday). Through various 30 day challenges, plank, bridge, squats and whatnot, I have typically lasted, at most, to day 15. My attempts to get the gym back in my life as a normal routine have failed even worse than that.
As for eating well, that has not been a major focus. Merely attempting not to eat my stress has been enough of a chore. Adding dieting or food control to the mix seemed like a fool's gambit to me. Still I've managed to drop about 14 lbs, so that's a good thing. I'm not sure I've done it in the healthiest of ways but beggars can't be choosy.
I've had a love/hate relationship with my body since I was a kid, much like most women I suppose. I've never been a small girl, and frankly that's fine. I like my curves and my dream weight, which I haven't seen in 22 years or so has me a good 25 pounds higher than any weight chart says I should be. Still I am far, far above that and I can get very twisted up by the numbers on the scale even when the size of my clothes tell me it's not as bad as all that.
The really funny part is, I'm actually pretty damn comfortable in my skin. I don't hide from mirrors, I don't tent myself in oversized clothing. I actually learned awhile back that well fitted clothes that hug my curves make me look better than trying to hide anything I've got. I don't care about dressing or undressing in the locker room at the gym and I definitely don't need the lights off or blankets to cover me when I'm in bed with a significant other. I figure if I got them this far they want what I've got.
Pictures though, pictures are a huge fucking problem. I don't know why but I always seem to be me encased in a fat suit in pictures. That's why I avoid them. It ruins the image that I have in my head of myself. The confident, sexy, thick chick is not that woman in that picture. No way. I've been trying to allow more pictures to be taken of me and posting them to move past this. I mean maybe I'm just not as photogenic as I was when I was a kid. Maybe I do really look the way I think I do when I look in a mirror, but I have a problem shaking the idea that photos are the most objective image of the me that others see. That disturbs me. I can't deny it.
Am I going to keep battling the bulge? Well yeah, it's pretty much what we're all programmed to do, no? I have however realized I am most comfortable with my body and my self when I'm working out regularly, not dieting, just working out. Even if it's only 15 days out of 30. Inside me is that warrior chick I dream of being and working out makes me feel strong and let's me get in touch with her. It's actually not at all about looking good for other people or trying to hit some random ideal number on the scale, it's about strength. So I've decided to keep the focus on that. I'll try to make decent food choices sure but I'm not going to beat myself up over the chocolate or pumpkin (or pumpkin with chocolate, yum) goodies that find their way into my mouth. I'm just going to try to work on my activity levels. I've got my FitBit so I'm doing my best to hit my 10,000 steps everyday. I'm doing my yoga when I can and while I've already fallen off the wagon on my 30 day challenge this month I'll be starting it over again and again until I actually get it done.
I figure it's all in the trying, the succeeding is somewhat less important.